News Today In Usa

Bin Laden in hell

Once again, we've employed our patented Blogotronic™ surveillance technology to listen in at the Gates of Hell as Usama Bin Laden makes his entrance.


Wh... where am I?


Welcome to the gates of Gehenna, the portal to Hell. I am Iblis, the thrice-damned. I must say, Usama, you've made quite a name for yourself here in Hell.

We've had a monumental debate as to whether you merited placement in Malebolge... or Ptolomea. The flame wars on the Hades Blog were something to behold...


Malebolge and Ptol... wh- what's the difference?


Oh, amazing and terrifying differences!

In Malebolge, home to deceivers and falsifiers, the sufferers endlessly drown in the river Cocytus while their eyeballs fill with acid and then burst - a cycle to be repeated endlessly for all eternity.

In Ptolomea, home to traitors, the population is seared on rotisserie spits while wasps sting their private parts.


But... what about the virgins? The virgins feeding me grapes and honeyed desserts in an unceasing orgy of pleasure?


...yes, about those virgins...

- Oh - excuse me, I have to take this call...

Iblis here.


Iblis, baby, I have a couple of the boys on the line - we have some questions about procedure. Kim's fuel rods are almost ready and we're having a debate about who should get them first...


Mahmoud, we are closer to America... we can cause the most death and destruction without having to resort to those glorified bottle-rockets you call "missiles"...


Oh, okay, so you want to play rough? Yes, let's discuss the concept of "Venezuelan military victories" - it's only been what, 200 years since Simón Bolívar rode roughshod over Spain?


Stop it! Stop your bickering -- I don't have time for this -- I've got a quota of 125,000 eternally damned souls to process this morning and it's almost 10 AM!

Kim, what do you think we should do?


I don't give a cwap! Just tell me who to send them to!


Kim - flip a coin. Buh-bye. Gotta go.

*click*

Gilgemesh! These guys are like little children! Now, Usama, as I was saying... about those virgins...


There must be some sort of mistake... a clerical error... computer virus... can you double-check with someone?


Oh, double-checking isn't necessary. When you consider just how much evil -- death, destruction and suffering -- you've been responsible for... well, like I said, the only debate is whether you suffer in Malebolge or Ptolomea...

Oops, hold on, that's my BlackBerry!

Yes, sir. He's here. Haven't decided where... thinking about Malebolge... your office? Right now? Okay, we'll bring him down.


Who... who was that?


Oh, that was Satan himself... he's taken a personal interest in you. I'm not sure what he's got cooked up for you, but it's bound to be -er- interesting...


Could I get a little water? I'm awfully thirsty...


Oven-fresh good readin', just like Mama used to make:
Ace of Spades: Rightwingers Thwarted Clinton's ONE Effort To Get UBL, via Effusive Praise
Anchoress: Osama, leaks, timing and reality
GatewayPundit: Bin Laden Dead
HotAir: Osama’s dead possibly gravely ill!
JustOneMinute: Osama Died Of Typhoid Fever In August?
Mary Katherine Ham: AP France Unconfirmed Report: Osama bin Laden Dead?
Michelle Malkin: Bin Laden - dead again?
STACLU: Bin Laden Dead?
Wizbang: Bin Laden/War-on-Terror update